and again right now is a time in which i wish it were possible to isolate myself from the rest of the world. how on earth are people capable of being happy? more than anything i wish i can just sleep and not wake up to anyone. i can’t stand people right now. i’m trembling with rage, disappointment, unsatisfactory, and unhappiness. all i ever blog about is being unhappy, and i continue not to do a single shit about it. it’s like no matter how much someone hurts me, i always keep my mouth shut and hold it inside. this is just reflective of how i was raised. i remember saying a single peep would get me in way too much trouble… i wish there was some way for me to just erase myself from everyone’s life. i feel like i’m incapable of bringing anybody happiness. my peers, my friends, my teachers, my lovers, my siblings, my parents. i feel incapable of doing anything. why is it that i am so concerned with satisfying others? i haven’t been able to get along with anyone, not even my own mind. constantly do i put myself down, beat myself up, teczsdllk. i can’t even think of my future. nothing comes to mind. i can imagine myself in college, working at a job, getting married, etc etc but it all seems like it’s just my imagination. i can’t see myself actually getting any further than where i am right now. i don’t have any drive to. it feels like this is as far as life will take me. williams said to me today that people are way too concerned with academics and not enough with fun. she talked about growing up, colleges, stresses, becoming parents, etcetcetc and i just felt like i’d never reach it. i still don’t.
edit: i wish no one felt obligated to me. i wish no one felt attached to me. i wish no one would miss me. i feel like i can never isolate myself completely until then
